Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
