wrigley field is MILF paradise
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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