Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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