so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Acid is not a monday night drug
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
