I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
