Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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