she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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