It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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