Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
