this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize