Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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