Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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