Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
