You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
