let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I am midnight drunk by noon
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
