I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
