How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
