Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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