Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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