i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize