im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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