Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
