I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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