If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
