I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
