By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
