At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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