My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize