i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He did a backflip because drugs
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