When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
