idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
