you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
