You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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