We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
