why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
