If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
