You're so nebulous sometimes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
