I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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