Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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