I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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