that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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