So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
