either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
