Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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