Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
