Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
