I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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