Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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