Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
