I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
