I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
