he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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