Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
