I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
