If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
