Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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