he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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