seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
