1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
