I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
