just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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