Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
